Adkinson packs it in after third experiment, eyes competitive tiddlywinks
NASHVILLE, Tenn. (April 24, 2010) -- The Beer and Advil Research Council is out of business.
That was the declaration of council leader Tom Adkinson after finishing his third Country Music Half-Marathon, the council’s only research event.
“There’s not enough beer in Belgium to continue the research,” he gasped. “That’s true for Advil, too. As stiffened up as I anticipate being in a couple of hours, I’m sure that’s why God invented prescription drugs.”
Adkinson, a public relations professional who had seen science as a second career, finished the race in 2 hours 37 minutes, missing his goal by seven minutes.
“My first rese
arch study in 2007 was timed at 2:42. I shaved a whopping 10 minutes off that in 2009. Although I’ve still not figured out when a number begins to whop, I’m pretty sure the extra five minutes this year did not whop,” he said.
Adkinson said he knew the 2:30 target was in jeopardy about Mile 7.
“A red-headed young lady with a brace on one knee passed me, and I noticed a ‘2:30’ sign pinned to the back of her jersey. I fell in behind her. However, she slowed for a water station, and I lost her. Perhaps she drowned,” he said.
Without the redhead’s inspiration, Adkinson said he fell off the 2:30 pace. His one-mile splits ranged from 10:28 to “a lot more than 10:28.”
Race officials began the event early as they monitored an approaching severe weather system. Humidity was the day’s only issue until about 30 minutes after Adkinson and his pokey companions finished. Lightning crackled and rain fell as Adkinson scarfed down a post-race bagel.
“I was really hoping the spirit of George Carlin’s ‘Al Sleet, the Hippy-Dippy Weatherman,’ would descend on us. It was Sleet who always predicted, ‘Calm today, except gusty around the tornados.’ I could have used a tornado tailwind,” Adkinson observed.
As Adkinson dissected the race with co-researcher son Bennett Adkinson, whose time was 1:39, Bennett asked whether Adkinson had gotten a boost at the Beer Aid Station near the Mile 11 marker.
“Beer Aid Station? I didn’t see any stinking beer station! Once again, the research is tainted!” he declared.
Despite the demise of the Beer and Advil Council, Adkinson said his athletic career is not over.
“Mind you, I have no intention of channeling Brett Favre. I know when to quit this 13.1-mile madness. However, there are other challenges. I’m turning 60 next January, and competitive tiddlywinks is very appealing. Perhaps that redhead with the knee brace is interested in doubles.”
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